capítulo final 2a. parte: ... what the hell happen whit the scars?
Tiempo de reencontrarme a mi mismo. De nuevo, entre tanto alboroto, me he perdido, dejando de lado mis principios y mis ideas. El dolor se volvió cotidiano, sentirse tan solo y vacío empezó a ser adictivo, las heridas físicas no importan, sanarán con el tiempo, pero el dolor no se olvida tan fácil, y menos cuando decidí utilizarlo como justificación para mis actos de amor. Amor por mi mismo, amor por el prójimo, amor ocasional por cualquier desconocido que pasaba por mi cama en este periodo de transición, tratando de borrarme de la piel las caricias de aquel romance imperfecto que no supo defenderse en la adversidad. Si alguien me pregunta, en este momento de mi vida tengo el conocimiento suficiente para enfrentarme a mis demonios; lo he estado haciendo últimamente y, contrario a todo lo esperado, a la falta de confianza en mi mismo, he logrado vencerlos. Yo soy aquel que creía estar roto, en medio de ninguna parte, dirigiéndome a ningún lugar. El que pensaba que todos lastimaban, y al que no le quedan muchas ganas de saber el resto de la historia…
Recuerdo cuando lo vi, era un chico muy guapo, con cara de niño, con un cuerpo excelente y me caía muy mal, aborrecía su presencia, no soportaba verlo y así fue como me ganó... con su dulzura, con su interés en mi, por su grata compañia.
La relación duró 10 años, diez años de amor, de gritos, de vivir juntos, de engaños (de su parte), de regresos, diez años maravillosos aún sobre todo lo que pude haber expresado en momentos de coraje.
Cometí un grave error (entre muchos mas) en esa relación pues, al ser él un chico de dinero con una familia inmiscuida en reuniones sociales, cenas con gente importante en diferentes aspectos de nuestro país; al ser una regla el saber el uso correcto y el orden de los cubiertos, a recononcer los cortes de carne y las diferencias de terminos, los vinos y a reconocer la mejor línea viñera en el mundo... a los 12 años tuve que esforzarme demasiado para no quedarme, para superar toda expectativa, tuve que aprender a tratar con los adultos y hacer que mi conversaci´øn no fuera tachada de infantil, tuve que aprender de diseñadores de moda, de musica, trataba de ser todo un éxito...
Y después de una noche me di cuenta de que lo era, era un éxito en las fiestas, tocaba el piano, a la gente le agradaba mi platica, reconocí obras y arquitectos... sólo tenía un problema pues era demasiado idealista y creyente de las causas sociales, causaba alborotos en la prepa, en la calle, ponía mis ayunos o días sin bannarme, anduve descalzo por días, en fin. Aquella mañana me di cuenta de que era un éxito y que tal vez algun día podría triunfar y ens erio pasar por encima de las espectativas, desperté junto a él y le pregunta si ya estaba feliz, si ya no lo apenaba, si al fin había logrado lo que él quería ¿acaso no era genial? ¿No había ya desaparecido un obstaculo en nuestra relación y podríamos ser felices ya?
Pero creo que no entendió que todo lo que había hecho era por él. Que todo lo que podía ser especial en mi era él... que le agradecía el haberme empujado, haberme abierto las posibilidades, los ojos.
Pero él cometió un error... me engañó demasiadas veces me hizo temerle al amor y así...
Hubo una vez una persona que desde que tuvo uso de razón le enseñaron... digamos, que le enseñaron a temer la luz del día, que era su enemiga, que le haría daño. Entonces un día soleado le pides que salga a jugar y no quiere. ¿Podrías enojarte con ella?
El peor error que cometimos los dos en nuestra relación fue regresar tantas veces aún sabiendo que no había ya más que salvar en la relación que los viejos recuerdos. Ambos adoptamos posiciones demasiado riesgosas, posiciones que estaban listas para lastimar el otro, sólo esperabamos el momento para atacar.
"Lo siento pero no puedes navegarme, no puedes tomar ya el timón. Puedo hacer cosas estupidas, puedo lastimarte y puedo alejarme sin tu permiso y puedes odiarme toda la vida. Y sé que todo esto te asusta y manda tus ideas a la basura porque yo soy lo único real que tienes.
¿si? pues no es lo bastante real para mi"
¿Cuando realmente me di cuenta de que no debiamos buscarnos más?
Cuando descubri que ya no había más en mi para dar, que todo se había gastado, que la relación era nuestra cueva para no enfrentarnos a los peligros del exterior cuando deje de aferraqrme a mi pasado para seguir adelante con mi vida y mis proyectos para esta, cuando descubrí que el simplmente no podía seguir ahí...
"No me digas lo que sientes, no llores por mi, no digas que me quieres ... por que me tendré que ver forzado a sentir algo por ti"
Carlos es la persona con la que me puedo expresar mejor con la que me siento con la libertad de poder ser, carlos es la persona con la que me puedo atrever a tantas cosas... Carlos es la persona que consideré mi último suspiro del año... la última oportunidad de volver a sentir que siento... Carlos hasido eso y mucho más desde hace casi 3 años que nos conocemos.
Pero con él cometí el más grave error que he cometido en mi vida y que es sólo el resultado de todas las relaciones anteriores, con él fuí arrogante...
"Eres arrogante por que no juzgas a las personas te compadeces de ellas, culpas sus circunstancias. Los perros pueden aprender muchas cosas pero no sis se les perdonan sus instintos
¿Entonces me dices que soy arrogante por perdonar a las personas?
¿No ves que condescendiente eres al decir eso? Estas convencido de que nadie puede alcanzar tu alto nivel moral así que les perdonas. Perdonas a todos por excusas, culpas a todo menos al culpable, utilizas justificaciones que por anda en el mundo admitirías para ti. ¿Dime, cada persona es responsable de sus actos? ¡Claro que sí!.. pero tu no les das esa oportunidad"
Creí que estaba bien que al entender su edad sus contextos comprendía por que hacia las cosas como las hacía pero terminé engañandome a mi mismo y a él también.
Lo entendí tarde, tarde pues la relación ya había terminado y estaba por terminar una segunda ocasión y a pesar de todo fué el que yo creo, digo creo pues realmente todo es subjetivo, entendió que es lo que realmente me mueve en esta vida...
"Ves? esto es todo lo que necesitamos: un par de cigarrillos, una taza de cafe y algo de conversación... tu y yo y 50 pesos"
Los escenarios cambian, las temporadas cambbian de productores, incluso los directores que crearon la serie la dejan, los actores se cansan y las frase comienzan a parecer forzadas
La vida no es una serie o una película, al contrario estos productos s on el reflejo de la vida y me equivoque al considerarlo al revés.
Si alguien lee esto, olvide el pasado, olvide como traté de vivir de golpe y como cometí errores al tratar de hacerlo. Olvide como tomé vodka queriendo olvidar a alguien que ya estaba olvidado, borrando el tiempo...
--- --- --- ---
"-Este es un buen programa, siempre te deja en suspenso
-¿suspenso? Deberías saber que eso es una estrategia diseñada pra captar audiencia
- No, su propósito es mantener el interés y así la gente tratará de adivinar los siguientes capítuls
-Vamos son predecibles... como nuestras vidas. Los productores ponen a los personajes en una situación esperando que la audiencia crea que algo va a cambiar pero, nunca cambia, todo vuelve a ser de la misma manera que antes
-¿Y si esta vez es diferente? ¿Y si esta vez algo cambia? No querrás perdértelo
-Aún así, me parece un engaño..."
--- --- --- ---
Hace algunas noches...
-¿Dave, todavía sigue en pie lo del cuarto en tu depa?
David contestó de manera afirmativa al buen Carlos y...
--- --- --- ---
Próximamente ls conclusión en 4 capítulos de estos relatos y escritoa acerca de mi vida...
"En mi vida lo inofensivo siempre fue lo que más dolía"
Continuará...
Recuerdo cuando lo vi, era un chico muy guapo, con cara de niño, con un cuerpo excelente y me caía muy mal, aborrecía su presencia, no soportaba verlo y así fue como me ganó... con su dulzura, con su interés en mi, por su grata compañia.
La relación duró 10 años, diez años de amor, de gritos, de vivir juntos, de engaños (de su parte), de regresos, diez años maravillosos aún sobre todo lo que pude haber expresado en momentos de coraje.
Cometí un grave error (entre muchos mas) en esa relación pues, al ser él un chico de dinero con una familia inmiscuida en reuniones sociales, cenas con gente importante en diferentes aspectos de nuestro país; al ser una regla el saber el uso correcto y el orden de los cubiertos, a recononcer los cortes de carne y las diferencias de terminos, los vinos y a reconocer la mejor línea viñera en el mundo... a los 12 años tuve que esforzarme demasiado para no quedarme, para superar toda expectativa, tuve que aprender a tratar con los adultos y hacer que mi conversaci´øn no fuera tachada de infantil, tuve que aprender de diseñadores de moda, de musica, trataba de ser todo un éxito...
Y después de una noche me di cuenta de que lo era, era un éxito en las fiestas, tocaba el piano, a la gente le agradaba mi platica, reconocí obras y arquitectos... sólo tenía un problema pues era demasiado idealista y creyente de las causas sociales, causaba alborotos en la prepa, en la calle, ponía mis ayunos o días sin bannarme, anduve descalzo por días, en fin. Aquella mañana me di cuenta de que era un éxito y que tal vez algun día podría triunfar y ens erio pasar por encima de las espectativas, desperté junto a él y le pregunta si ya estaba feliz, si ya no lo apenaba, si al fin había logrado lo que él quería ¿acaso no era genial? ¿No había ya desaparecido un obstaculo en nuestra relación y podríamos ser felices ya?
Pero creo que no entendió que todo lo que había hecho era por él. Que todo lo que podía ser especial en mi era él... que le agradecía el haberme empujado, haberme abierto las posibilidades, los ojos.
Pero él cometió un error... me engañó demasiadas veces me hizo temerle al amor y así...
Hubo una vez una persona que desde que tuvo uso de razón le enseñaron... digamos, que le enseñaron a temer la luz del día, que era su enemiga, que le haría daño. Entonces un día soleado le pides que salga a jugar y no quiere. ¿Podrías enojarte con ella?
El peor error que cometimos los dos en nuestra relación fue regresar tantas veces aún sabiendo que no había ya más que salvar en la relación que los viejos recuerdos. Ambos adoptamos posiciones demasiado riesgosas, posiciones que estaban listas para lastimar el otro, sólo esperabamos el momento para atacar.
"Lo siento pero no puedes navegarme, no puedes tomar ya el timón. Puedo hacer cosas estupidas, puedo lastimarte y puedo alejarme sin tu permiso y puedes odiarme toda la vida. Y sé que todo esto te asusta y manda tus ideas a la basura porque yo soy lo único real que tienes.
¿si? pues no es lo bastante real para mi"
¿Cuando realmente me di cuenta de que no debiamos buscarnos más?
Cuando descubri que ya no había más en mi para dar, que todo se había gastado, que la relación era nuestra cueva para no enfrentarnos a los peligros del exterior cuando deje de aferraqrme a mi pasado para seguir adelante con mi vida y mis proyectos para esta, cuando descubrí que el simplmente no podía seguir ahí...
"No me digas lo que sientes, no llores por mi, no digas que me quieres ... por que me tendré que ver forzado a sentir algo por ti"
Carlos es la persona con la que me puedo expresar mejor con la que me siento con la libertad de poder ser, carlos es la persona con la que me puedo atrever a tantas cosas... Carlos es la persona que consideré mi último suspiro del año... la última oportunidad de volver a sentir que siento... Carlos hasido eso y mucho más desde hace casi 3 años que nos conocemos.
Pero con él cometí el más grave error que he cometido en mi vida y que es sólo el resultado de todas las relaciones anteriores, con él fuí arrogante...
"Eres arrogante por que no juzgas a las personas te compadeces de ellas, culpas sus circunstancias. Los perros pueden aprender muchas cosas pero no sis se les perdonan sus instintos
¿Entonces me dices que soy arrogante por perdonar a las personas?
¿No ves que condescendiente eres al decir eso? Estas convencido de que nadie puede alcanzar tu alto nivel moral así que les perdonas. Perdonas a todos por excusas, culpas a todo menos al culpable, utilizas justificaciones que por anda en el mundo admitirías para ti. ¿Dime, cada persona es responsable de sus actos? ¡Claro que sí!.. pero tu no les das esa oportunidad"
Creí que estaba bien que al entender su edad sus contextos comprendía por que hacia las cosas como las hacía pero terminé engañandome a mi mismo y a él también.
Lo entendí tarde, tarde pues la relación ya había terminado y estaba por terminar una segunda ocasión y a pesar de todo fué el que yo creo, digo creo pues realmente todo es subjetivo, entendió que es lo que realmente me mueve en esta vida...
"Ves? esto es todo lo que necesitamos: un par de cigarrillos, una taza de cafe y algo de conversación... tu y yo y 50 pesos"
Los escenarios cambian, las temporadas cambbian de productores, incluso los directores que crearon la serie la dejan, los actores se cansan y las frase comienzan a parecer forzadas
La vida no es una serie o una película, al contrario estos productos s on el reflejo de la vida y me equivoque al considerarlo al revés.
Si alguien lee esto, olvide el pasado, olvide como traté de vivir de golpe y como cometí errores al tratar de hacerlo. Olvide como tomé vodka queriendo olvidar a alguien que ya estaba olvidado, borrando el tiempo...
--- --- --- ---
"-Este es un buen programa, siempre te deja en suspenso
-¿suspenso? Deberías saber que eso es una estrategia diseñada pra captar audiencia
- No, su propósito es mantener el interés y así la gente tratará de adivinar los siguientes capítuls
-Vamos son predecibles... como nuestras vidas. Los productores ponen a los personajes en una situación esperando que la audiencia crea que algo va a cambiar pero, nunca cambia, todo vuelve a ser de la misma manera que antes
-¿Y si esta vez es diferente? ¿Y si esta vez algo cambia? No querrás perdértelo
-Aún así, me parece un engaño..."
--- --- --- ---
Hace algunas noches...
-¿Dave, todavía sigue en pie lo del cuarto en tu depa?
David contestó de manera afirmativa al buen Carlos y...
--- --- --- ---
Próximamente ls conclusión en 4 capítulos de estos relatos y escritoa acerca de mi vida...
"En mi vida lo inofensivo siempre fue lo que más dolía"
Continuará...
5:26 PM
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